Sometimes that means asking more questions before I start apologizing. (In a cultural climate in which public callouts can unravel in a single hour, this can be especially hard to do - but extremely important.) That often means sitting with someone who is angry or upset with me, and not rushing to appease them. When someone is narrating my experience or who they think I am, I’ve learned to slow down, take a deep breath, and simply notice what’s happening.

This is when my fawning mechanism would kick in - I’d immediately take at face value someone else’s perception of me, not slowing down to question if they were projecting something onto me that simply wasn’t accurate or truthful.

My default setting is to assume that, when others are angry or disappointed in me, I must have done something wrong… and it’s my job to fix it. I’ve practiced sitting with the anger and disappointment of others But if you’re stuck and unsure of how to push back against your fawning tendencies, I hope this will give you a little more direction.Ģ. I’m always happy to share what I’ve learned, with the caveat that everyone’s healing journey will be a unique one. When it comes to our coping mechanisms, we’re essentially asking our brains to be comfortable giving up something that kept us safe! This can be a really destabilizing process, which is why it’s one we should embark on thoughtfully.

It makes sense that we would want to reclaim our lives from this defense mechanism that ultimately diminishes us.Īnd? It’s also important to remember that healing from any kind of trauma is a lifelong process, and an individual one at that. When we compulsively mirror what others expect and want from us, we detach from our own sense of identity, our needs, and desires… even our own bodies. Walker says that this ultimately results in the death of the individual self. –Pete Walker, “ The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex Trauma“ They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries.” “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. It was first coined by Pete Walker, who wrote about this mechanism pretty brilliantly in his book “ Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.” Just to review, fawning refers to a trauma response in which a person reverts to people-pleasing to diffuse conflict and reestablish a sense of safety. Because, to be honest, I’m still very much in that process myself. I had to really sit with this question for a while. After writing about the trauma response known as “ fawning,” I got so many messages and emails from readers asking me the same exact question: “ How do I stop?“

Pete walker trauma